...want one, just one, day off

I know it sounds selfish, but I need a day off.

I have been handling this basically alone, every day for months - and I would appreciate one day all to myself. I think it would be a good dress rehearsal for me leaving in 20 days.

Yes...I am counting the days. I ache for my bed, my bathroom, new clothes, my boyfriend (not in that order) and a few hours where I could let my guard down and not be "on call". She needs to sleep. and NOTHING I DO will make her do that. Everything else is on her daily "list". And I can do her meds 2 weeks (or more) at a time. (The horn honking in Manhattan is so loud, especially being right on West End.)

When anybody calls Mom to see if she need anything, the answer is almost always, "no" - because I already got it. I am becoming resentful and it's not her fault. I am tired. I am really, really tired.

Now if I actually had a day off, I would go to the gym and do a light workout, steam, get a mani/pedi and then maybe grab a cab and hit the Oak Room for a martini in my new DKNY chocoate linen jacket. I would enjot feeling normal (whatever that is) for an hour.

Nauseous for two days now

Last time, when she had her first round of Chemotherapy, she didn't feel nauseous, but she also didn't do 15 minutes of Luigi's class the day after her treatment which probably pumped it into her system faster. Meanwhile, her not eating consisted of yogurt and strawberries for breakfast, cereal for lunch and a turkey sandwich with muenster and avocado for dinner. She also asked for ice cream :). So let me reiterate - she is eating. She has felt nauseous though...and that's new.

We get the results back from the brain MRI Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll keep you posted. Her hearing is noticeably worse, but she refuses to get a hearing aid, so we all just scream.

Second round of chemotherapy

Mom is not doing well today. Her second round of Chemotherapy started last Tuesday and has hit her very hard. She is quite tired and very nauseous. Not answering the phone.

She had a Brain MRI with contrast (they shoot dye into your system) on Friday which she barely made it through. We won't have results until next week. She is also scheduled for a full chest PET/CT scan, but I think we will have to postpone until she starts to feel a little better.

This is all par for the course with the chemo. They say you are fine the first few days and then feel crappy for about a week and then better after about 10 days. So, today is day 5 - probably won't be on the upswing until Thursday.

The nausea is new and no fun at all. They have given her compazine which seems to help a lot, but she is not eating anything.

Please keep us in your prayers.

I cry every day over my mother's condition...the question is when

In February, I got a call that my mother had been admitted to an Emergency Room by her Primary Care Physician. At the time, I was not her Patient Proxy, so they couldn't even update me on her condition over the phone. "I am sorry. You aren't on her chart." I am her only child. I did hear the words "Brain Oncologist" and immediately thought my mother had brain cancer. At that moment, my knees went out from underneath me and I almost fainted in my kitchen in California.

I flew to NY immediately. After 2 lung biopsies and 2 uterine biopsies, the results were still inconclusive. They wanted to perform exploratory brain surgery to determine from where the cancer had metastasized. She was stable and so we went back to her Upper Westside apartment for 10 days to make some big decisions.

After painstakingly looking into the best brain surgeons, we switched hospitals and mom had brain surgery with a tumor removal and resection in the front right lobe of her brain. From the pathology, they were able to determine that it was an andenocarcenoma or brain tumors and lesions that have metastasized from lung cancer.

And so the nightmare began...

After returning to LA for a week, I came back to NY and slept on her couch for 5 weeks. One of her friends was going out of town for a month and lives 3 blocks away, so I rented a place to have a bed and someplace to work. I am an SEO (Search Engine Optimizer: in a nutshell - I make websites more easily found by the people who are looking for them) and have barely kept my company afloat.

The role of cancer caregiver is a tough one: medications, radiation, chemotherapy, depression, hair loss, steroids, etc. It never ends.

I cry every day...the question is when.